How I knew I was in love.

Before I get into any of the fights and the juicy stuff I want you to get a bit of an idea about who I am as a person, how I feel about love, how far I’ve come and all the rest of it. ..My whole life my mum raised me to be independent. She said under no circumstances are you to have a boyfriend, because they bring you down. You are to focus on your career, building a life of your own and traveling before even thinking about remotely settling down. I didn’t fight it. Sure, I was interested in boys, I kissed them at parties, had crushes and all the rest of it. But I was obsessed; I was obsessed with this idea of being a powerful woman.

All through my teenage years, I was preaching the single life. Girls, come be free with me. Let’s ride the single train together, hoes before bros ladies. Then between he ages of 18 and 20, all my friends were in relationships while I was working, studying and partying. I thought they were crazy; they were really missing out on living the high life. When I went out, I got everything I wanted. People on the door let me in for free, guys with table service gave me drinks, I never lined up in my life. I was the Queen of wherever I went, and that’s how I liked it. I was bloody happy, so I thought.

Then this guy came into my life in a very unexpected way. I met him early 2015 when I was 20, he was off his face and jumping around making an idiot out of himself. He found me on Instagram (classic fuckboy) and got my number the next day. We met up over a month later at the beach one day and that was it. THAT WAS IT. He never asked me to hang out, ever! But what confused me was he was always so interested in what I was doing… Text messages, that’s all I ever received, oh and the occasional Snapchat. Being the strong woman who doesn’t need any man in her life, I liked to play the game. I had a few guys I was kind of seeing, and never let myself get attached. But no matter whom I was seeing, he was always in the background messaging me. Funny thing is I never even found him that good-looking – he was very average looking actually. There was always something drawing me to him though, the way we talked was not how strangers talked. I always thought about him, and I hated that.

I don’t want to get into too much detail, this blog is already too long as it is. But we met up in August, slept together and he became very obsessed. For over 3 months we saw each other nearly ever weekend, and that fuckwit still hadn’t asked me out. It took me to be overseas and give him the ultimatum. He was whining about some guy from my past, and I said look… ‘You’re not my boyfriend, so quit acting like it. You can either stop asking things you don’t have a right to, or ask me out. Quite frankly, I feel like you’re just wasting my time’. Well, I clearly scared the shit out of him because when I returned, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Which was big for him, because he’s a bit of a nervous person.

And now… Well now I find him sexy as hell. I never thought I could have eyes for just one person, but I do. I have no desire to go out and be the girl I used to be. He’s all I want, now forever and always. It’s hard to believe I’ve changed so much. I never used to believe love and soul mates were real. Honestly, now I believe I’ve found mine. Sure, he drives me crazy and has the ability to crush my heart into a thousand, tiny pieces, but it physically hurts me how much I love him and I know he feels the exact same way about me. So yes, I do believe in true love. No, it’s not easy. Guys are dickheads, but being in a relationship is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve grown, and it’s taught me skills I never thought I needed in life. You can be strong and independent, while sharing a life with someone great. And to answer the question; How do you know when you’re in love? For me, it’s finding every little thing they do sexy, even the cringe-worthy stuff – it’s embarrassing in a sexy way. It’s having no desire or interest for any other person but one. It’s being able conquer the hard parts of life together. It’s having mind-blowing arguments, hat make you cry for hours – but then having amazing make-up sex that makes it all feel worth it. Oh, and the sex – let’s just say I’ve never felt sexier. It’s intimate, it’s passionate and you lose every care in the world. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to leave him, but I can’t. I know as much pain as I feel from opening up, something I never thought I would have the ability to do – without him I’d be lost and empty.

Now, this was a bit of an introduction into how this relationship came to be. But, the next posts might get a bit deep, crazy or R-rated – just a warning.

Why I started Ugly Love.

I wanted to start this blog, not to give advice, just to make others feel some-what better when they’re feeling down, frustrated, lonely and just straight up hurt. Relationships can suck. Not just… ‘Waited for ages to get a delicious but pricey scoop of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s ice-cream, then drop it on the floor before you even get one lick’ suck. I’m talking about ‘get overbooked on a United Airlines, dragged the fuck off against your will’ suck. (Sorry if this is too insensitive, or too soon – only comparison I can think of right now).

Truth be told, I’m using this blog as a massive vent for me too. I know what you’re thinking… Why not vent to my friends about my significant other? That’s what girls do over coffee (cocktails), right? Yes, you’re right! Honestly though, I’ve vented too much. They always hear me rant and rave, or cry, or curse and they’re all fantastic listeners; but they always hear so much shit about how he’s ignored me, or swore at me or made me cry enough tears to fill an Olympic swimming pool. We are all guilty of it, over-sharing how poorly treated we are when we’re vulnerable and upset, but never talking about the amazing, fantastic, totally Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds moments of the relationship – which of course, weigh out the bad. I know I want to stay with him, but if I were to vent or complain or even seem one bit upset – they’ll all tell me to leave his sorry ass. I always get the ‘you’re too good for him’, and ‘he is so lucky to have you, if he can’t see that – it’s time you break up’, oh, and the awesome ‘I know it will be hard, but once you leave him you’ll never look back’ one.

I get it! I am all for girl power, and sticking together. I love all my friends for thinking so high of me. But, I love him. If I wanted to leave I would. It’s true – right now, and some of the time, I feel like I could hate him. He pushes me to no tomorrow, but I couldn’t imagine my life without him. So, I want to stay with him – for now anyway. Which means, unless I want another lecture about how I’m blinded by love, I am in no position to slightly mention anything about him to my friends right now. Which is why I started this blog. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this at times, wondering if I’m with the right person, if it’s all worth it… It’s extremely confusing. So, hopefully my stories and experiences (not advice) can help many confused and in love girls, and guys. Because the way I see it, love is bloody great, but it’s not pretty – it’s goddamn ugly.